We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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