it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
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This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
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Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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