What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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