I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I just blew my weed a kiss
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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