Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
