please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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