The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
