I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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