I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
