I love black thongs
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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