The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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