I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
