Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
