She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
