since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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