I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
