i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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