and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
