At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
being pregnant is like rehab
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
