were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
