I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
