Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Randomize
