I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
