so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
