when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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