I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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