I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
