there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
