If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
