and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
