There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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