i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
