come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
