oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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