What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
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I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
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Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize