I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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