Soap is not a condiment
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Randomize
