I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize