I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
