You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
