Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
