True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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