he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
