So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
