Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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