I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
COCAINE IS GR8
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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