And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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