you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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