His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
