Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
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