I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
