Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
