is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
