Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
