that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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