The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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