the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
