All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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