Plan B is the new Plan A
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
